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Still can't figure out what my Blackberry is capable of.
And I'm livid about Christmas. Bah Humbug.
I want out of this house. Out of this town (later than sooner). And no more family engagements.
Detach now///
...my car aside from the 2 dings & the perpetual puppy throw up, has retained its value. I intend on driving it well until its paid off, but the thought of trading it in for something more fun...
Fuck Sunpass stealers.
Not only am I to blame, but my intertior design endeavors are a conflict as well. I've put the bank first this whole time, helped out whenever I possibly could, and made my boss aware of its priority to me, and she shoves it back in my face. I'm more than offended, but fuck it. No more nice Amber. Considerate? Not anymore. Just a paycheck. Goals? Eh, maybe. If the customer's alright with it, no mind tricks to browbeat anyone into anything for the sales quota. An attempt at pushing me harder just discouraged the shit out of me.
Afterwards, an elongated attempt to help Justin with his phone. Turned into a crackberry endeavor across islands and shit. I like Jason as a friend and he's been more than helpful, but there's more nonsense driving than I've banked in the last couple of years. So, Justin and I are suddenly owners of some high-tech touch screen BlackBerry's. Rocking the internet everywhere we go. Fun to figure out.
As our morning breakfast turned into car washes, doctor's appointments, and well, breakfast, I racked up some more mileage. At least I got to see a unicorn along the way. A mythical milano red 1993 Honda Prelude AWS with only 80k miles, stock everything, with updated maintenance. justin says it should give me hope. I say I wish I was related to the bitch so I could've inherited its amazingness instead of just gaining blue balls. Damn blue/red POS lude. Damn non-speed Mazda3 with its reliability and function, mocking my chance of greatness in a prelude. I just like the damn car. Period.
Now its time for a trip up to Vero to be with Justin's family. I'm kind of fond of them, but again, being more on the quiet side thanks to my mellow family, I go unheard and left out, only to get anxious and headache-y. Prelude to Christmas I suppose. And every holiday following.
Inglorious Basterds was hilarious. Really good cinema.
I'm eager to get a house. Justin's explanation was perfect. Everything should be paid off and we should be free to migrate by the time we've sat in the new house for a couple of years.
Arrivederci.
So I'm about 2 hours from the cabin that my dad got us in Tennessee.
It's weird bein with my dad and sister. I always feel awkward whenever I'm around my family.. Except for my mom for some reason.
I know there are deep rooted grudges that are held against me with my sister and it's all my fault and I know that. I really don't know how to fix it either. Sometimes I think I'll be able to like sit her down and talk about it... But were so much older now
And I have deep deeep grudges held against my dad. It sucks.. Because I know he tries to be a good dad and shit and do shit for me.. But I'm litterally scarred because of him. It's sad when your therepist cab litterally blame all
My insecurities and shit on my father.
She's explained to me that I surround myself with men and always want the approval of a man because I never truely felt like my dad was proud of me.. Which is true. And that's why my sister and I aren't friends. Because growing up I hated her because of her perfection And the pedastal thT my dad put her on compared to me. I have low self esteem because my dad called me fat constantly. And majority of my friends are gay guys because they're men and I want a man to love me and appreciate me. And that's what gay men are best at. Jay and James and Dwayne and everyone always make me feel like I actually like myself.. And somehow whenever I get around my dad I end up hating who I am.
I think that's why I'm so attachd to matthew also. He gives me everything I want. He tells me I'm beautiful everyday and I know he cares about me. I have fun with him and Im comfortable in my own skin around him. Like, I litterally never ever in my life thought I wa sexy in anyway until I met him. Now, u can't tell me otherwise. I love him. He's good for me just because I feel better just being with him.
I wish he couldve came with us to Tennessee. It would be awesome to share the cabin with him and go skiing. There's a jacuzzi and balcony and a bunch of stuff.
Eventually when we both have money we won't ever go anywhere or do anythih without each other.
Jamcruise is in 19 days! How awesome is that? I'm sooo excited! I love ittt. And then I'll b 21 2 days after I come back.
I wonder what I'm gonna do for my birthday.. Idk. I'm not always about going clubbing and shit. And I don't even like to drink so really turning 21 is just so I can feel like I'm not such a little kid. Im always the youngest and can never get into anything.. But once I'm 21 that won't be a problem.
It's fuckin cold outside. I put nikos sweater on him. He's socute :). I think he just farted in my lap haha. Douche.
I wish matts mom would just tlk to me and give me a chance.. Because it doesn't have to be like this. I wanna be able to do thanksgiving and christmas with both our families. I wish she would open her weyes and see how much I've grown up and changed. And I reallyy wish that she would see that if it weren't for me, she wouldve never found out about shit and he would still be doing shit that's not good for him.
I always knew that I couldn't get his to make the right choices by myself.. He did need shandy to push him and she wouldn't have if it weren't for me. Idk. It's all bullshit.
Like I gurantee life would be so much easier if she stopped being immature and just accepted me and talked to me. Matthew would come around more often. He'd see his whole family more often. But I guess they don't care.
That's 1 thing that I'm thankful for with my family. Despite th fact that matt has hurt me like a thousand times.. They know that I love him and they know that he makes me happy overall so they want me to be happy and accept it. My family isn't twofaced or sneaky.
Oh well. I wish things were different and I wish that they would just suck it up and give me another chace the way my family has given Matthew multiple chances. But I guess shandy isn't the saint that she makes herself out to be. It's whatever though. If she truely wanted to have a better relationship with matt, I'm pretty sure it's thru me.
Maybe it'll happen a few years down the road when me and matt are married.. Or have a kid. Whatever comes first lol. I really don't want either of those anytime soon tho haha.
Dude my dad toally thinks me and matt are going to spend out lives together. He totally had a talk with us about credit and being together and how it affecs both of us and eveything. Crazyy. It caugt me of guard. But I guess it's kind of a good thing.
I'm listening to that 1 song... "I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor.."
I kinda can't wait to get home, to be honest. I really do wanna at least see my whole family tho. It's sooo cold!
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After a day of feeling weird and empty.
I'm so frustrated with this.
Time to go writhe on the cold terrazo floor until I throw up or something
=(